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I don't know if it's right to send you this e-mail. I'm just confused... I don't know what to do.

DATE: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 00:02:09

From: "Eric B de Guzman" <skylark81@edsamail.com.ph>

To: "Altair M. Martinez" <altair@bulacan.ph>,"Janice S. Asuncion" <kiddhopital@edsamail.com.ph>,"Jobert J. de la Cruz" <jobs@onecooldude.com>,"Judilyn B. Evangelista" <dewd92@yahoo.com>,"Ma. Rosario P. de Jesus" <mrose_dj@yahoo.com>,"Mary Joanne B. Nanggan" <jomary17@yahoo.com>,"Mary Rose SJ. Santos" <dynamic_ross@yahoo.com>,"Michael SP. Patricio" <mikhail542000@yahoo.com>,"Ramon G. Castillo, Jr." <shiro2k@lycos.com>,"Rey M. Robles" <shinsetsuna_ken@yahoo.com>,"Rommel S. Ramos" <ramos_rommel@lycos.com>

 

Long, long before, I was a little kid, I could still remember that day that made a remarkable change in my life. I was still not in school yet. I was still a child who needs peers and time to play. But I was a child not knowing that I would be deprived of those things.

Psychologically speaking, I grew up not in such an ideal way. On that day, I was asked to spend the day taking my siesta or afternoon nap. For the nth time I was to pretend that I was sleeping during the afternoon. The contrary was, I was so hyperactive as a child then so I need to exert some of my extra energy in playing outside. To run and roll over the fields, to play tumbang preso and agawang base to childern of the same age. To be with my kababatas and cousin. To gain friends among the neighborhood.

But that day I decided not to take the nap. I was just pretending. I need to go out and play. I felt my youth and I need to taste how to feel young. So I got out of our home and went to my grandma's residence, a few blocks from ours.

There I played a lot. Isaw my cousins and my neighborhood friends. We played moro-moro and taguan. I was so happy that day. Never been that happy before.

I was playing card games (not gambling) with my folks at my granny's residence when my father's voice roared. He was calling me. I was a little embarrassed to my folks. But what horrified me was the thing my dad was holding... I could no longer remember what thing wqas he carrying then. Either it was a long and think bamboo pole or a 2" x 2" (or dos por dos) block of wood. At that same spot where I was sitting, he beated me. Not only then, he was beating me as I was running towards home. Many of the neighbiorhood folks saw what was going on. I heard most of them saying, "Kawawa naman si Eric sa tatay nya..." At that time I felt I was no longer having my dignity. I was deduced to be somewhat like an animal. Only a few day after I heard on tv the rights of the child, I was there being beaten by my father.

Upon arriving home, I was nagged by both my mother and my father. I was made to kneel down mongo seeds and to carry books on my both hands. I was to stay there for the rest of the afternoon. I was with my sister Pamela kneeling on the mongo seeds. She was also beaten for a reason I didn't know. We were both crying, but my parents scolded us more as we begged them to let us rise.

Every time I remember that day, I can't help myself but to shed my tears. Every time I was being scolded like that I pray to God I want to die. I know I don't deserve that.

It affected me so much that I was not trusting them. I am not telling them my problems. I just rely on myself coz I was afraid that instead of understanding my situation and help me solve my problems, they would instead blame me for being a idiot. All forms of bad words were already been attached to me.

So I turned out to be quite a rebellious son. I usually keep secrets to them. But whenever I bag home a medal for the school year, they almost put me in a pedestal. I couldnt understand it. They are happy for me for bringing home the awards since it would appear that they were my parents so I inherited from them my "wisdom."

As I was growing up, I found myself to have a very strong defense mechanism. I don't trust people immediately. I answer back to my parents. I also raise my voice whenever they rise theirs on me. I was so shoced tomyself that I was that rude. But I coulnd't help it anymore. In other words, I can clearly derive that I learned those acts straight from them. The most regreted part is the thing that they were insisting me, that "Pagsilang ko pa lang daw, walanghiya na ako at hindi raw nila alam kung kanino ako nagmana." I don't believe in that! I believe in Jean Jacques Rosseau that man by nature is not evil. I told them it's the environment to where I grew up led me to what I am today. Then they would scold me for blaming t hem what happenend to me. Am I partly correct in holding them responsible for that? I was deprived of my childhood. Childhood is a crucial part in a person's life. I gained no friends. I don't trust people because I think everyone knows that I was

scold when I was young. Can you see it guys? Around the neighborhood, it was very uneasy for me to walk around since everybody knoww how cruel my parents are in scolding their children. And I found that unjust.

Good thing I was intorduced to church service. At least a little good deed makes me mellow down. But my parents persecute me still since I was in church service but I was still "bastos(not respectful)" and "walang modo." I told them it was not just a snap (or a blink of an eye) to change my attitudes. I need time and a supportive family (environment) in order for me to change. and I need them to change a bit s that I could change on my own. But they refused. Until now...

I thought being in the nation's state university would make a little difference. But ity didn't. They were perfedtionist. I want to drop my failing subjects but they would prefer me to stop schooling rather than dropping my subjects. (Good thing was, I do not still have "5" in my records.) So whenever I am in SM (mall) just to spend time with my friends, I feel I am more happy with them instead of being at home. Same case as I entered the dorm. Actually, I thought it would lessen the tension since I would be always at home. But what happened was, wehenever I got home and they are in a bad mood, I was scolded again.

Even AJ wasn't spared from my defense mechanism. The first time we've met he was so eager to ask me things about myself. But I was hesistant to tell him everthing. So what turned out was I knew many things about him as if I could practically live his life for a day without hassles. But the contrary occured to him. Until now I think he doesn't know me that much. But I still thank God, AJ became my best buddy.

That's a reason why upon having a best friend like AJ, I felt I got another family. I treated and valued him as my big brother. He was a role model to me, actually an ideal self at first. But I know he also has his own life and family so he can't attend to all my needs.

So upon having conflicts with him I felt so depressed. My only family outside home is no longer on my side anymore. Should I cling to another person again? I couldn't rely on my family since they keep on making "sumbat" to me the things that they've done for me, like feeding me and sending me to school? Para pa naman sa kanila lahat ng pagsisikap ko na makatapos ng pag-aaral. Sila pa naman ang dapat kong takbuhan pag may problema ako. Pero parang di yata puwede. Dahil imbes na intindihin nila ako, mini-misinterpret nila ako lagi. But I know respect is something to be learned in order to be earned.

If you bother enough to read my mail and to tell me some comments or words of encouragement, please feel free to e-mail me at skylark81@edsamail.com.ph. I need them now in this time of need, when I am being caught in a chain of lies. Sorry, I'm sounding paranoid here, but in my perspective, I see all these things in this way.

I'll be waiting for your responses.

Thanks a lot,

Eric

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